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She’s the Pastor’s Wife, Not the Church’s Wife

0 CommentsFriday • July 9, 2010 • by Brian

In a recent post, Brian Croft gives this advice to young/new pastor’s wives:

Find another seasoned pastor’s wife to call to share openly, seek counsel, and be prayed for every week. In the same way only a pastor knows what it is like to be a pastor, so too only a pastor’s wife can know the pressures and stresses she faces.

This is good advice. However, many churches need to have their expectations for a pastor’s wife adjusted. She is not the assistant to the pastor and certainly not the assistant to the church family. “Pastor’s wife” is not a role or office in the church; it is a role in the pastor’s family and that is all.

Certainly a pastor’s wife should be a growing Christian and a member of the church. As a member of the church, she is responsible to use her spiritual gifts for the growth of the body. But her primary role before the Lord is to be a loving, submissive wife to her husband and a diligent mother to their children, if they have them. Yes, she may—and should—serve on a worship team, do hospitality, pray, give counsel and advice, and teach other women and children. But she is required to do these things only if she has been gifted by God to do them and her service in these areas are part of her diligent walk with God, not because she’s “the pastor’s wife.”

My wife has been involved in children’s ministry at every church where I’ve been a pastor, even when she was a medical student and, later, a medical resident. Currently, she teaches children’s Sunday School here at Calvary. She also has been the primary piano player at two churches where I’ve served as a pastor and she has even filled in here at Calvary on one of our worship teams a few times. But I thank God that none of these churches expected her to do any of this as a pastor’s wife. Instead, like every other Christian, she found her place of service according to her gifts and desires to serve, not because of some unwritten job description for pastors’ wives. And that’s the way it should be. Though it shouldn’t be her only ministry, a pastor’s wife’s best ministry is to be the helper God created her to be for her husband.

On a related note, guys who are headed for pastoral ministry should not choose a wife based on her list of abilities. I was told growing up to find a woman who could play the piano because I might be in a small church where that was needed. Well, that’s exactly what happened in two churches where I served. But being a phenomenal musician is secondary to being a strong Christian and a loving wife and those are the qualities you should be seeking. If you get a talented wife with spiritual problems, she will be a detriment to your ministry, no matter how well she sings or plays. Likewise, a godly wife who will love and support you will be the greatest benefit to your ministry, even if her spiritual gifts have her serving behind the scenes.

Here’s the full link to Brian Croft’s article.

Posted in: Ministry

Tagged with: family, ministry, women